at the end of the river, the sundown beams

[destage]

[Well...that trial was most certainly a thing, now wasn't it.

It's probably a while after the trial that some notes will be going underneath people's doors, written in a nice, clean scrawl--]

For anyone who hasn't gotten anything to eat, there will be food and refreshments provided in the dining room courtesy of Estelle-san and I. Feel free to take as much as you need.

Please stay strong, everyone.

♥ Estelle and Sayaka

[True to the word, there's plenty of food to go around--potato stew courtesy of Estelle, and curry courtesy of Sayaka. There's coffee and tea out as well, for anyone to drink, and...well, it's more or less an optional thing. After today, some might need it.]

Comments

[explosivecombat]

"More" blood?

[Alex.]

[sleepytimegal]

When you watch someone die and you could've done something to stop it, but you didn't- that means you're partly responsible for killing them, right?

[ She's not...answering right away.... ]

[explosivecombat]

I think that depends on the situation, but I can see where it would be considered such.

[sleepytimegal]

This is the second time that's happened, for me.

[ ... ]

My older brother...the best person in my life. He drowned...and all I did was watch.

[explosivecombat]

[Oh.]

How long ago was this...?

[sleepytimegal]

About a year. He was gonna leave town, and...we went on one last hurrah. A day trip, he...was gonna teach me how to swim. Instead, he drowned and I...was too scared to try and save him.

I never wanted to be that scared again.

[explosivecombat]

[...]

...There are options, in this situation. I'm not going to try to tell you that there aren't, or that we have no choice in the matter, because that would involve lying to you and I see no point in doing so - you aren't a child, and the sooner you're able to process things here, the better.

So there are options. But this is a situation where no matter what you choose, either you're going to have blood on your hands or you're going to die. I understand that the others say that you can always vote for yourself or someone else, but even that involves gambling with the lives of the rest of us.

There's no way to come out of this well. I'm sure you've realized that by now.

[sleepytimegal]

I have.

[ Reassuring, really. To be treated as an adult. ]

...You were a soldier. How... How'd you deal with it? People's lives.

[explosivecombat]

[He wouldn't consider her a child even outside of this situation, albeit for different reasons - Amestris's military recruits people as young as twelve and considers them adults to be sent to the front lines at sixteen.

Jean's profession honestly wasn't all that surprising to him.]

I'm sure that if you heard people from Amestris speak of me, they would likely say that I didn't - that I don't care, or that I don't understand that life has intrinsic value, or even that I'm morbid or psychopathic enough to enjoy their suffering. I've never really been inclined to argue with them about it, because I have better things to do with my time, but I very much do believe in honoring the dead in any way that we're capable of. Whomever they were doesn't matter - whether they're beside me, or the opponents that we're facing in battle, they deserve that much.

[He pauses for a moment; this...actually isn't really something he discusses with people except in specific situations, although he probably couldn't pinpoint why even if he was asked.]

...I have perfect recall. It isn't just that my memory is good. It's that I remember everything.

So whenever I'm facing someone - whenever I kill someone, whenever someone dies because of me - I make a point of it to commit as much as I can to memory. I can't possibly know all of their names, or even all that much about them. But I can know their faces, and the circumstances in which they died, and make sure that I never forget any of it. So I do that because I believe I owe them that much.

[...]

If you're asking how to make it easier, I don't believe it ever does get that way. Not for people like you. But that's arguably a good thing. Either way, there are ways to handle it. You just have to find your own.

[sleepytimegal]

[ She listens carefully as he speaks, taking in every word. It's...weird, in that she feels detached from this conversation but at the same time hyper-aware of herself. It's the feeling she gets when she thinks too hard about Michael. ]

People like... [ But she trails off. She has a bit of an idea, both about the difference between them and just what he means there. She chews on her bottom lip for a moment. ]

...You- you didn't have to tell me all that, but. You did, so. ...Thanks. [ He's right, it won't quite work like that for her, she knows but- ] I guess, I... I'll try to find mine and...live with it.

[explosivecombat]

I believe in being honest with people. Personal integrity is one of the few things that no one can take from you, after all.

[...]

Hopefully you'll find something that works for you. It would be a shame to lose you, you know.

[sleepytimegal]

[ She raises her eyebrows hesitantly. ]

You mean that? Uh- you just said you meant...what you say, so- uh. Again, thanks. Really?

[explosivecombat]

Oh, absolutely. You don't have to seem so surprised, you know.

[sleepytimegal]

It's not like- I just mean, like, we barely know each other and I'm not like...really a super leader-type, so it, uh. It'd surprise me whoever said it.

[explosivecombat]

Goodness, do try to pick one - either we want as many people to escape this place alive as possible, or we're going to start tiering them based on how valuable we think they are. We can't have it both ways.

[It's light, though, not genuinely chiding.]

[sleepytimegal]

It's not- [ Aaaa she's blushing she's just going to say the same thing again, oops. ] I- just- oh. Sh-shush, I just...didn't expect to hear something like that, after everything.