Elda Marker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
matchbreaker) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
trustfell2017-10-14 10:31 pm
matchbreaker) wrote in trustfell2017-10-14 10:31 pm
One day we'll reach to emotions: unexplored, unprecedented
[ Sometime shortly after the trial small notes will be folded underneath the doors of everyone still alive, and also posted to the staircase leading up to the upper floors. Not many of you have probably seen Elda's penmanship yet unless you checked that Penmanship check a while back, but it's impossibly impeccable fancy cursive script, to match with her old timey appearance. ... She also writes a lot more proper than she talks. ]
[ she's being somewhat facetious about half the group, but the fact does remain that she got more offers than she expected, when she set out to do this. She had expected that Sayaka would help, and indeed both her and Alex provide cookies and curry for the tables. Elda herself sets up the tables, dotting one longer central one made of smaller ones in the ballroom for things to sit on. The bulk of the food's provided by Tarrlok of all people, Chinese food by any other name. Susan, bless her, provides alcohol. Hibki, once she was clean, decided to run backup on preparing the food.
And then perhaps fittingly, Aligula provided the decorations. Steamers line the room, and little cut outs hang around. At Elda's instruction, it's a mix of cats, snakes, and bats. The majority of them have little faces on them. And finally, as and afterthought more than anything else, Elda makes some tea.
... Said tea is black tea and is impossibly dark and bitter because she can't taste it, but maybe that's what you want on a night like this. Who knows. ]
To My Fellows,
The half of you who didn't assist me in this are cordially invited to a celebration of our continued living, and to the memories of those who aren't. We are a mismatched group,
but it has become increasingly clear that we are together in this. Do not allow yourself to be alone.
We will be congregating in the ballroom for the rest of the night.
Better chefs than I will be providing food.
Sincerely,
Elda Marker
[ she's being somewhat facetious about half the group, but the fact does remain that she got more offers than she expected, when she set out to do this. She had expected that Sayaka would help, and indeed both her and Alex provide cookies and curry for the tables. Elda herself sets up the tables, dotting one longer central one made of smaller ones in the ballroom for things to sit on. The bulk of the food's provided by Tarrlok of all people, Chinese food by any other name. Susan, bless her, provides alcohol. Hibki, once she was clean, decided to run backup on preparing the food.
And then perhaps fittingly, Aligula provided the decorations. Steamers line the room, and little cut outs hang around. At Elda's instruction, it's a mix of cats, snakes, and bats. The majority of them have little faces on them. And finally, as and afterthought more than anything else, Elda makes some tea.
... Said tea is black tea and is impossibly dark and bitter because she can't taste it, but maybe that's what you want on a night like this. Who knows. ]
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For not wanting to put someone through that, or for yourself?
[Rin takes another drink, staring at the space across the bar.]
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[...Sayaka takes another drink, averting her gaze entirely.]
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[...]
...I wish I had...over in the other school.
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...You think it went badly?
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She's never really talked about her wound at length to anyone but Elda, even if it's something she mentioned at the first meeting--the one Rin didn't attend. But what she'll be greeted with is a rather large looking scar, about the size of a kitchen knife that...probably gives a good idea of how she died.]
...I hadn't been able to explain this for weeks, but...now, now I think I can.
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Sayaka...
[That's such an awful end. Before, Rin had wanted to encourage her things would work out alright, but that was before Kimblee's trial, or the one they just went through.
Knowing he, Terumi, and Mikoto were all dead man walking despite being here makes the evidence staring them in the face impossible to deny.]
When did you figure it out?
[Even that time nearly two weeks ago, she'd seemed fearful.]
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I...think it was about the point that I got my memory of what was on the DVD back. Because my head wasn't in a good place, when I got it, so I...didn't have much faith in myself, you know?
[She looks down.]
My memories...they've just been getting worse. I knew for certain when I had my dream this week, that I was...basically dead, or insanely lucky. And I'm pretty sure it's the former.
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[Sayaka just...sighs, a bit, shivering. There's much she wants to say, so much--is it really right of her to do so, after this mess of a trial, though? It doesn't seem like it.]
I...just don't like being confronted with the reality of it. And...the reality of why. I understand it, now, but...it feels like the girl in my memories and I, we're...different people entirely.
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So the Sayaka in your memories—she's not you anymore, but she is a facet of you.
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Sayaka shakes a bit at that, honestly just...looking very struck. She keeps getting shocked by things like that, and it looks so stupid, so idiotic, so--]
...Thank you, Tohsaka-san. I...really appreciate that.
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Do you? You look like you're having a hard time processing it.
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I don't think I'm worth any of that sort of sympathy. Not...after what I did, there. It's a long story.
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[...she hasn't necessarily denied it. Though she is moving to get up, because this has certainly become awkward, and she looks like she regrets a lot.]
I don't have the memory of it...explicitly back, but yeah.
[...]
Just...go ahead and call me a monster, or something. Please, at this point I'd prefer it.
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The last time I did that, I got an earful. [That would be Caren's trial.] Everyone wanted to let it slide because it was an accident and not hold her responsible, even though it seemed to me it was exactly what she wanted. It would be too hard to walk down into that pit otherwise. It's hard to be strong.
It's darkly funny you're in a similar situation now. [Though there's no humor in her voice; she's just pointing out the irony. Picking up her glass, she turns in her seat again.] You think it's worse, because in your case it wasn't an accident on your part, but intentional. I can tell you you're terrible and wrong for whatever you've done, but you already know that, right? You got what you deserved.
[She delivers that fact very plainly.]
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[And reliving it... putting the pieces together slowly, one-by-one... No matter how you look at it, it's scary and awful. That's what she's been sympathizing with most, to be honest. It's kind of similar to her reaction to Mikoto at the trial today. What a needlessly cruel thing to endure. Truth be told, she even felt a little sorry for Kimblee, in that single respect.
So even if Sayaka told her not to, she can't not sympathize with that. It's clear Rin holds her accountable for the actions that lead up to it, but it's just the two of them here. If there were a half dozen people in the room telling Sayaka she did nothing wrong, then she might have words, but they're alone. What's the point?]
I'm sure even you understand that. So what is it you really want?
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I don't know. I don't--I don't know!
[She hates this, and she just--she left any glass she had behind, she just grabs at her hair and starts to yank it.]
It just...I just wish everyone else felt the same way I do about it, it'd be easier, wouldn't it?! It'd be easier if they all just hated everything I did, called me horrible for it, and left me alone! That's exactly what--that's--it's just what people do, right?! I shouldn't be happy here! I shouldn't have any of this stuff! I couldn't even last for five days in that school, and if...and if Kuwata-kun or Naegi-kun couldn't be happy, why should I...?!
[...she's never been good at maintaining anger, and it's just slowly giving way.]
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...I don't understand it. I don't understand it at all, even if I'm dead, I'm...even if I still have a place here, after what I did, do I really deserve it? Even if I'm trying not to be that person here, do I really deserve the opportunity?
[Sayaka just...gets her hands out of her hair, rubbing violently at her eyes.]
I've just...wanted what other people have wanted for me, for years. I don't know what I want. I know what I deserve, but...
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[Her shout is emphasized by her glass slamming back down on the bar, so roughly the brandy nearly sloshes out. Rin pays it no mind as she gets to her feet. It's not anger—it might have been, had Sayaka not deflated so quickly, but she's clearly impassioned about this all the same.]
If you don't have a place, make a new one. If you regret what you did, learn from your mistakes and turn your life around. Make amends if there's a way, and it means that much to you. So long as you're not hurting anyone in the process, there's nothing wrong with it! The hardships others have gone through don't invalidate your own experiences, and what you've suffered!
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If you don't know what you want, that's fine. There's time to figure it out. But if your thinking stays like this, you'll be stuck. The wants of other people don't dictate your life anymore in every aspect. Not anymore.
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"Of course you deserve to be happy!"
She...looks honestly thrown off by that--she's been trying that, she's been trying to make a new place by taking up so many things and seeing what she's good at. It's why she's done anything, really--she did archery because it seemed like it would be fun, she's been learning to fight because it seemed fun and like a good way to protect herself, she's learning alchemy because...because...
...Does she really want to think if she's pursuing her own happiness or just trying to find a purpose?]
...I'm sorry, Tohsaka-san. I...reacted really irrationally. I've...been trying, while I've been here. I know this is the last place I'd want to look for a new purpose in, but...
[...]
Sorry. Again.
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