![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
It's like I'm carrying the weight of the world
[ So, Yuri's going to be going around, putting up slips of paper for everyone to see, because even with everything that was that trial, he is sure it could help. He doesn't know--it's worked from time to time before anyway and someone should do it. ]
[ Yuri, for once, is going to be making some food for the afterparty that isn't desserts. On his side of things, his food is generally going to be geared towards something more western-style and hearty. In essence, there is some things of curry with beef, chicken, and vegetables in them, take your pick. Sayaka and Kyrie also will be assisting with food, providing stuff that is likely to be geared towards something asian.
This whole set up, of course, is going to be done in the dining hall, since that's where it usually is. ]
[ Yuri, for once, is going to be making some food for the afterparty that isn't desserts. On his side of things, his food is generally going to be geared towards something more western-style and hearty. In essence, there is some things of curry with beef, chicken, and vegetables in them, take your pick. Sayaka and Kyrie also will be assisting with food, providing stuff that is likely to be geared towards something asian.
This whole set up, of course, is going to be done in the dining hall, since that's where it usually is. ]
no subject
[...She actually averts her gaze a bit at first, but she looks back up when Luca speaks, nodding.]
...Yes, when you...left Carmen-san to go to another country.
no subject
Do you want to know why I was allowed to leave when I chose to do so? Because her family certainly had the manpower and political sway to drag me back, if they wanted to.
no subject
...Did you kill someone who would've tried to do that, Luca-san...?
no subject
[He glances away.]
I broke her heart. She didn't want that marriage any more than I did, but she thought that we could at least be united in our dislike of the situation that had been forced upon us.
Instead, as soon as my 'duties' as a husband were done, I went out to bars and sought comfort from random men. And I never kept it a secret, everyone knew. And in circles like that, word gets around. 'We saw him at the bar again, Mrs. Valentino.' 'Can't keep that husband of yours home, can you Mrs. Valentino?' 'Are you sure he was a wise choice for a husband, Mrs. Valentino? What if your son turns out like him?'
The 'Carmen' that used to be is dead now, replaced by someone hardened against the cruelties forced upon her because of my choices.
no subject
...Ohhhhhhhhhhh. That...gets a bit of a wince, to say the least. Jesus christ, that's...kind of goddamn horrible? Even if she...kind of understands...? Sort of? ...Okay, no, not exactly, she can understand the spite end of it, but...]
...What a mess that sounds like...
[That's. A bit blunt, but christ, she doesn't know what to say.]
no subject
Indeed it is. And while it is not exactly the same as your situation, it is still very much 'a bad thing', and I feel like I can say the following with some confidence:
That feeling of 'am I really doing enough' never really goes away. Try as you might to do the right thing, there will always be invasive thoughts. But those thoughts alone do not define who you are. No matter how many times you have the thought 'maybe murder is the answer', what matters most is that you follow that thought up with 'no, that is wrong.' Which you have done, time and time again. And that effort, that decision on your part not to follow through with those thoughts, that is 'enough'.
no subject
...You really, truly, and honestly believe that? You're...not just saying that to try and make me feel better? That's...truly how it is?
[It feels foreign, to say something like that. She's spent literal years with this sort of mindset, and here she was always willing to acquiesce to avoid further conflict. It made people happy when she said it, and that tended to be that, but...
It's sure as fuck not a eureka moment, but she actually looks up to Luca when he says that.]
no subject
Some people are wholesome and 'good' with no effort on their part. It's a natural state of being for them. Others have to work at it, day in and day out, constantly choosing to do the right thing despite temptation to do otherwise. You just happen to belong to the second group, and there's nothing wrong with that. If the end result- that 'good' happens and people aren't killed- is the same, then why would the journey make any kind of difference?
[Honestly, he's pretty sure a good portion of the people in this game are the same: they have dark thoughts and have to work at being 'good' too.]
no subject
...It's going to take a bit, a solid minute or so of contemplation while her brain does some sick goddamn loop de loops.]
That's always the way I thought it had to be. [Note the past tense, there.] That if you thought 'bad' things, you were automatically 'bad' for it. And if you were 'bad', then you had to go to every length to hide it so you could stay a 'good' person. If you thought like that, you had to shove it down, and...that's the way things worked, at home.
[She's stated that much enough, and...mmph, she's still trying to process this, and it's...getting there? Slowly? But surely?
...She stops for a bit and looks up at Luca.]
...Luca-san, I owe you an apology, first off. I...know you've said stuff like this to me before, but... [She actually feels kind of bad for just pretending to accept it.] ...I think I only accepted what you said just because it made you happy and made me stop dwelling on it, for a while.
no subject
He waits patiently as Sayaka processes all of it. It's a little long, but these things take time, he knows. He might even sip his drink a bit while he waits too. But when she speaks again, he smiles a little.]
Because it was hard to accept, perhaps? But it is alright, I understand.
no subject
[Sayaka's tone is a lot softer, when she says that much. She even manages a smile that's...just a bit more genuine, rather than the ]
...I think I need to keep thinking about this. Probably for a lot longer, but...
[...]
I...should...probably give myself a little bit of credit.
no subject
You should, yes. Both the thinking and the 'giving yourself credit'. It's a process, to be sure.
Though, you know...I am sure there are a lot of little boys and girls out there who struggle with doing the right thing, and seeing a role model who also struggles with it but who still makes the right choices might be good for them. Even 'bad' kids need someone to look up to.
no subject
That's so different than what she'd hear from her managers, but...you know? Maybe they aren't everything, and...]
...It'd...really let them know that they aren't alone in the world, wouldn't it.
no subject