trustfell | Week 3.

Week 3.

WEEK 3
Two more people are dead. Byakuren Hijiri has been murdered and Undyne has been executed. That brings us up to four deaths and twenty-five remaining Participants.

You're doing well.

Take all of Saturday to rest and sleep. You've earned it. On Sunday morning, the clock chimes the hour at seven o'clock. With no more bodies to be discovered, it seems you're safe for the time being. That said, you'll be feeling a little groggy when you wake up; it seems you've remembered something else. Or was that another really bizarre dream?

Like last week, there's a new floor to explore. A reward for your efforts, of course. There's something else new, however, and as you approach the foyer you might hear the beautiful sound of... chickens? Chickens. Those are definitely chickens. It looks like Tabby's petition has worked, you have chosen chickens.

Perhaps even more important are the rule changes, effective immediately. You might want to take note of them.

PARTICIPANTS REMAINING: 25

SUNDAY | MONDAY | TUESDAY | WEDNESDAY | THURSDAY

[OOC: Welcome to week three of Trustfell! Save your threads for coins and the coming week's activity check; don't forget to check in to this week's activity check and submit your memory regains as well!

The Letters and Switchboard posts are still active, for the sake of contacting the jerk who's keeping you here, to be used at your leisure!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Logan doesn't rise when she moves and he doesn't get a chance to once she's in his space. It's a little odd having her hovering over him like this. When he held hearings in the throne room (that was so long ago) he usually had Walter standing at his side, but it was never like this and for some reason that's the first comparison to jump to mind, even though that dream--

It's not worth thinking about it.]

If I can leave this option, there is nothing he can offer me that will make me act.

[His voice is even, but Logan sounds tired. This motive is the worst possible thing that the Conductor could throw at him, he's sure of that, but...

He's not sure what he'll do if the Conductor comes up with something else. Logan isn't handling this week's incentive very well.]

[ It makes her sick to see him like this. This wasn't acceptable, he couldn't... she wouldn't let him struggle like this.

Not Logan. She would not let this happen to him. ]

I'm not sure certainty is the answer.

[ She doesn't want to put him down, but he doesn't strike her as the world's most imaginative person. How to voice this diplomatically... ]

You're just... building yourself up to what could be an impossible standard. We have no idea what he's fully capable of, or how low he'll go.

Acknowledge when he gets to you. Admit to yourself when you're tempted or worn down, rather than trying to pretend otherwise. Because if you think you're fine, why would you seek the help of others?

[ Placing a hand on his nearest arm, because: ]

...You told me you didn't want me to carry my burdens alone. I feel the same way about you.

[Logan flinches a bit at her touch, but he doesn't pull away and settles quickly. Youko's words are nice, they're comforting... but can he really talk about any of this?]

...I...

[He shakes his head, the gesture quick and agitated.]

I considered, for this motive. How could I consider, for even a moment? Everyone here has something to return to, no matter how big or small. How could I take any of you from that? Is it even worth the sacrifice? I have no idea if it would work.

[If a few had to die, it was to save a country.

Disgusting.]

I already have to live with the guilt of the soldiers that died and... and Reaver...

[he couldn't have let them die for Reaver either, but how could this have happened...]

If I don't build myself up to be infallible, then I will only make the same stupid mistakes of the past. Albion's safety will always be important to me but... how can I consider killing everyone here for that? It's... It's sickening.

[When he finishes he looks and sounds furious. He's moved a bit to rest his hands on his knees and his shoulders are shaking a bit, though whether it's because of how pissed he is or something else isn't clear.]

Edited 2015-11-21 20:43 (UTC)

Logan...

[ His words fill her with something maybe Logan wouldn't have expected:

Relief. ]

Thank you. For trusting me, for telling me - I just knew... [ Youko sighs. It's hard, resisting the urge to further wrap her arms around his shoulders and hold him. ]

I'm not going to lie, I wasn't tempted - but listen, okay?

Even if it didn't mean sacrificing you, I... I really don't believe I could prevent whatever kills Kan-chan. Look at me - I'm not strong enough to change anything. And against these odds, I'll always be unwilling to risk sacrificing myself to try.

...Do you see what just happened? You wanted to to do a bad thing for good reasons. I wanted to do a good thing for awful reasons-- um, outside of not trying to get you killed, that's a nice reason! But let's pretend it's not a reason, for just a moment - now I'm just weak and only looking out for myself, aren't I?

...Well, not that I think that those things are that bad, honestly. But do you see? I just... don't think you should beat yourself up over these things, and never like this. We all want selfish things, or to put ourselves first - at least at first. But then you remember all the other things, the things that will actually influence what path you choose. You decide by those, because people who don't die quickly.

Hmm, actually... it would have been wrong of you not to consider it. That's what a leader does, right? They try to consider as much as they can. And that means looking at the ugly choices as well, no matter how they make you feel.

[ He's too soft-hearted for this. ]

...I do not believe it's terrible to put yourself first. That is not how I look at the situation and it never will be, but I do not see that as inherently awful. It certainly has the potential to go that way, but I'm hardly one to talk about that.

[His morality is so skewed because of all the awful decisions he's made, so.]

When I was younger I was incredibly rash. I made impulsive decisions and did not allow myself time to think. I thought it would be best to be a decisive leader who acted quickly. In time I learned that I make awful decisions when I'm acting without thinking.

[If those dreams are real then... he really hasn't changed at all, has he?]

I had two advisers, Sir Walter Beck and Reaver. Sir Walter served my mother and looked after my sister most of the time. He was... almost like a father to her.

[And to Logan as well, though it's hard to admit that. Father died when his sister was too young to remember him, so she latched onto Walter and their relationship is much closer and less... whatever the hell Logan's and Walter's is.]

The hearings I held were pointless; everyone knew I would side with Reaver every time. Not because I held any fondness for Reaver, but because Reaver was always practical. He understood the situation in Albion better than anyone else and he could offer ways to make money.

Child labor. Raising the taxes. Sacrificing security to focus on the army. I did everything I could in the name of saving Albion. Many people have died because of me and far more are still suffering. I have hurt so many people... but I couldn't afford to hesitate.

...While I have my regrets, nothing has caused me to hesitate like this... this incentive. The people I have hurt and I have had killed are never close to me. I can handle it because I do not know them all. But this...

[Maybe if this had been offered in the first week it would have been him moving instead of Reaver.]

[ Oh. ]

I'm sorry, Logan. I misunderstood.

[ Most everything, it felt like. His concerns, his problems, the situation. Youko sounds apologetic, because... she is. She was so sure that her words would help. ]

I think there are still things I don't understand, so if it's alright if I...

[ y'know. ask for some things clarified.

It's better than not saying the right thing again. ]

You're upset because you've never hesitated before... when you've never had to hurt and kill people you personally knew before.

[ ...Yeah, just saying it out loud makes that possibility sound crazy. Hopefully he doesn't hold wondering that against her, because Youko is lost. ]

...Something along those lines, yes. It has never been personal and it has never been like this. It's very difficult for me to have to place Albion against all of you.

[And then there's the fact that he'd have to murder someone here and get away with it. He's not confident he can do that. The murdering part, sure, but everyone is good at figuring this stuff out. Even if he really wanted to move, he doubts he'd get away with it.]

[ ...Logan, you're damn weird sometimes. ]

If it's never been personal, of course it's never been like this. You're having a healthy human reaction, what's the problem?

[ SHE SOUNDS CONFUSED BECAUSE SHE IS ]

Well, it...

[...

................

...............................

he's really fucked up, isn't he]

I... There isn't a problem, no...

[how long has he been this fucked up]

Logan...

[ Fuck this, she's leaning down and going in for a hug, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

The breastplate is pretty uncomfortable, as it turns out. ]

It's okay.

[ Shhh. ]

[...yeah you know what, fuck looking dignified for a moment, he's just going to kind of lean into that with a sigh.]

I'm so tired, Youko. Sometimes I wish I could hand the crown off to someone else.

[It's something he's never admitted aloud before. There are many reasons why he would never want anyone else leading Albion, but right now... nothing sounds better than ignoring it all for awhile.]

[ This would have been worse if he hadn't, so at least there's that. As much as seeing Logan like this breaks the heart she's grown for him.

Without breaking the hug, she moves one hand back up so she can stroke his hair with it. Oh god, she's going to have to think so carefully about what she says here. ]

I couldn't have done what you've been able to do. Even if what happened four years ago hadn't - even if being king wasn't the hardest job - it's not wrong to want something different sometimes, especially when this has been your whole life up until now.

You're incredibly strong to have come this far.

[Logan can't remember the last time someone played with his hair like that and that's... a bit odd, but really nice. He relaxes into Youko's touch easily.]

...I wouldn't say it is strength; I'm acting as I am because I'm afraid. I want to save as many people as I can. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I did. But ultimately... this is something I need to do for me, so I can move forward. I don't want to remain broken by this forever.

[It's entirely too simplistic to think that facing this will end four years of nightmares and trauma, but that's the only way he can think to handle it.]

[ After misunderstanding him before, it's so nice to be on a roll now. The stroking will continue until morale has improved. ]

Really? That sounds like the definition of bravery to me. [ which in turn, is strength. ] "It's not that things don't scare you, it's that they do - and you push on anyway." Right?

[ softly: ]

...I don't think you're broken either, Logan. You're changed - and you'll stay changed - but if you can come to terms with that change, I think you can find the peace you've been looking for.

But you're most definitely not broken.

[He doesn't respond to the first part, simply because he doesn't know how to. Logan doesn't consider it strength or bravery at all. He's doing what he feels he has to, because if he doesn't then no one will.

The second part is a bit easier to handle, however.]

...I appreciate your words, Youko. Given everything I have had to do though... I have a difficult time handling it. I often wonder if there were other decisions I could have made, other ways to make money that I didn't pursue that might have helped. Anything that would preserve the peace in Albion for as long as possible.

[He pulls back after a moment to reach to his sides to start to undo the chestplate.]

I cannot regret the decisions I have made, however. If a few have to suffer, it is to build an army. If a few have to die, it is to save a country. It's for the greater good and until I know how things have turned out, regretting the decisions I have made is the same as regretting trying to save Albion.

...I wasn't like this. I wasn't this tired and cold. I was idealistic; I genuinely believed I could handle everything that was thrown at me. I thought I was untouchable. I would go down in history as a great ruler, just as my mother had.

Perhaps "broken" was the wrong word, but I will never be the same man again.

[And honestly, he's not sure how he feels about that.]

I know.

[ And there's really only one thing she can say to that, as simple a thing as it is. ]

But this is the you I know. And I care for him deeply.

[He's glad he has to set the chestplate aside, that gives him a moment to try to collect himself because wow that really hurt for some reason.

It's a good sort of hurt, but that makes it even more confusing.

He takes a moment to make sure he's alright, then he returns his attention to Youko so he can find some way to respond--

...No, he doesn't need words, he'll just reach out to pull her into a hug instead.]

[ Yes, let's hug.

No words, only hugs now.

It's wonderful and painful because it brings back memories of Kantarou, he reminds her of Kantarou right now, but letting go isn't even an option. This is what she wants and what she needs.

Her eyes start welling up with tears, but that's okay too. It really is like she told Logan: it's okay. ]

[No, it really isn't. His sister is dead, his mentor is dead, Reaver is dead, he has a little over a year to make all the money he needs on his own and then prepare his army for the battle and who knows if he'll even be able to handle that? Nothing is okay.

But he'll push forward anyway, because that's all he can do now. Maybe he'll be able to save a few people. That's the most he can hope for right now.

Logan has never been more grateful to have someone to hold onto right now. He's never cared much for physical affection, but this... this is nice. This is what he needs for the moment and his grip tightens a bit.]

[ He's doing his best. It has to be okay for what it is, or...

Youko's content to stay like that for a very long time, but once she feels their embrace coming to an end: ]

I know it isn't enough, [ because nothing can be. she knows. ] but I'll always try to be here for you. Until one of us dies, that won't change.

The people in my life are what make it worthwhile. So the quality of their lives is very important to me for that reason.

Don't talk like that.

[The words are out there before he can think about them and Logan's shaking again, though he's trying to get some sort of control over himself.]

...Please.

["Until one of us dies" he can't handle that thought right now. He can't afford to die and Youko... He can't lose Youko. He can pretend to handle things in front of the others and maybe sometimes he'll succeed, but he can't do this without Youko. It's probably not right to latch onto someone so hard in such a short amount of time... but it's not like this is the first time Logan has relied solely on one person to keep him sane.

Hopefully this goes better than everything that happened with Reaver.]

I'll do everything I can but... for now... Don't talk about death as though it is inevitable.

[It is and he knows that, but he has to keep hoping that maybe they'll find a way out of this place.]

[ Youko's first thought is that Logan is responding to her saying she wasn't enough.

That assumption is cleared up the moment he continues.

The difference in human and youkai lifespan was something Youko accounted for without thinking - she hadn't thought about how it would sound within the context of their current conversation, because she hadn't thought.

She'd tried to reassure Logan and all she'd achieved was frightening him. But that said something too, didn't it? ]

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

[ "I wasn't thinking" - if she said that, wouldn't it just upset Logan further? ]

I... I just meant, I...

[ "There's nothing left for me back home, what I have here is it" - wouldn't that make it seem like he was only important to her because there was nothing else? When that wasn't true, that wasn't true in the slightest. ]

...I won't.

I'll be careful. I'll look after myself. I'll look after you. I'll look after us. And... I'll see your smile again. Someday. [ -she throws in as an awful joke, smile shaking and tears falling. Because everything hurts, it hurts too much right now. ]

Youko...

[It's obvious Logan isn't sure what to do with that, and for a moment all he can do is stare. He's fully aware that his smile is stupid-looking and he hates it, but apparently that's something Youko wants to see again, even if it was intended as a joke.

He pulls her into a hug again, his grip firm.]

We'll do everything we can to get out of here. As many of us as possible. Then... Maybe then...

[Things won't be okay. They'll never be okay, but--]

Perhaps then everything will be alright again.

[ Yeah, she's just going to. Snuggle the hell into him. ]

I don't think so.

[ I'm sorry, were you not expecting Youko to be painfully blunt about that, or... ]

But I know that as long as I make it out of here with you, that'll be more than okay enough for me.

[ If she could pray for one single, possible thing, and one single, possible thing only - that would be it. ]

[That's... Well. That's certainly something. It's far too soon to start thinking about that. He has to go back to Albion, but that...

Well, he wouldn't mind bringing Youko back with him. He might enjoy that, actually.]

I'll do everything I can to make that a reality. I cannot die in here.

[Not after everything that's happened already. Still, his grip tightens a bit and he tries to keep his shoulders from shaking again.]

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