trustfell | I dreamed of a world so far from here that's not on the map

To my Fellows,

What is "good" and what is "evil" is something that can be debated for longer than most of you will ever live, as is the nature of men. These debates are without meaning in my eyes. Despite that man's belief, men are not born to be good or evil, and what flaws they have in personality or character are things that can be overcome through their choices. Both for better and, as we've seen, for worse.

Life is not without suffering, but I should hope that every one of you is loved by someone. Loves someone. Many of you probably know that some of those loved ones are entering into an experience similar to our own. The terror of that is an undeniable sword which hangs above our heads.

Do not isolate yourselves, and hold onto what belief will best inspire you. And if you wish to join us for another one of these gatherings, meet us in the dining hall at 8PM.

Sincerely yours,
Elda Marker

PS: Those who can taste will once more provide food.

[ Well that sure is a lot of words which is being put under your doors, put on the fridge, and generally distributed around. It... uh, sure is a letter? It's in the same impossibly perfect cursive as last week, and is written with an almost angry bravado. Because even if she was vindicated at the end there, she was vindicated by a (by his own admission) evil priest. So. That feels bad.

Anyway, with some effort, the dining hall (which now has a lot of candles at Cabanela's little shrine, even with adding the two more here) is filled with food: Susan's got the booze as usual but also a big pot of mac and cheese. Adelina's done her noble best with some finger sandwiches. Yuri's brought some sweets that Estelle might've made. As for Elda, well, she still basically can't cook, so what she provides instead is:

A few board games including a Settlers of Catan, Sorry, and Candyland knock off. I guess we're playing games. Or at least she's suggesting it, who knew? ]

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No. I think it's fair enough. [She folds it again, though she's still holding it.] I don't mind hearing about things like that from other people. It's when murderers want to bring philosophy into the actual death trial that I get annoyed.

The two go hand it hand, really. The fact of the matter is... the man wasn't wrong - there are many, many instances where murder, or perhaps simply killing, is not "evil." [ She exhales- ] Or so I believe. But the world isn't so cosmically balanced - God isn't so kind as to keep it in order like that.

... But death ends all things. It overrides everything.

He wasn't wrong. I'd be a hypocrite if I said otherwise. But that wasn't really the time?

[Honestly, why do people have to do that kind of thing as they're grandstanding and crowing about the life they took? And Estelle's murder was hardly what she would call justified anyway.]

...I used to...hate other people, for knowing how to be happy when I couldn't. After Zoe died, when I took those pills...

You will hear no argument from me on that front. Nor that confession to Rin.

[ She brushes her hand on the counter. She... ]

... Susan, I have hesitated too long to say something else to you. May I?

Ugh, I know? What a bastard. I don't even know if I'm more angry that he did it, or that he told her like that, when he could have just taken it to the grave and spared her going through that all over again. I need to bring her some food...

[She glances off towards the bowls, but doesn't make to go yet.]

Of course, Elda.

[ she hesitates, just a moment. She considers embracing her anger at Kirei... but no, that would distract her. She bites her lip, but then reaches over to gently take the other woman's hands. One in both of hers.

She needs to say this directly, ]

For weeks now, I've held your promised safety note for those motions in reserve. It's been at the back of my mind every week, slowing my actions, staying my hand, making me more accepting of things. However... and honestly, I know not when this changed-

I can no longer find such a thing acceptable.

[Ah, okay, hand-holding is happening. Susan looks a tad bit startled, but you know what, she'll hold hands back. Touch doesn't seem so strange anymore.]

...do you know what's funny? I think I sort of feel the same way. It seemed a lot easier to plan that out, at the beginning, but now...I don't know. There's people here that I wouldn't mind dying to keep safe from that timer, but I don't want to lose them by dying myself either. I don't want to do that to people.

[Though something about that statement is. Concerning.]

You're one of those people, you know. I won't have you doing something reckless because you can't rely on me offing myself.

[ . . . "You're one of those people."

Elda- feels very weak in that moment. She squeezes the other woman's hands, frowning slightly. She... she can't promise anything about that, can she? Not really. She's relieved Susan has answered like that, but. Mm. ]

I can't have you thinking of me with contempt.

That isn't really an answer, Elda.

[Or, well, it is. Just not the one she wanted. Fair enough. Nobody can really make promises in this place, can they?]

I know we can't say what's going to happen in here. And I can't be the one to take a hard line against killing. I've done enough of it. Just...as long as you do what you think is right, I'm sure it'll be fine. I trust your judgment.

[She doesn't really think Elda would? Maybe if Sayaka were dead already, and it wasn't a risk to the girl's life. At that point, though, what else would be different?]

[ she knows it's not. But to promise something untrue doesn't... it doesn't suit how her and Susan operate. But at the same time, to say that she trusts her judgement- The woman's eyes widen and she inhales, feeling so weak all over again. She squeezes the hands and then pulls them back.

A nod. ]

I -- I thank you.

...of course.

[She withdraws her hands as well, slipping them back into her pockets.]

I want us to win this, but...I know that isn't always possible. As long as we do our best - as long as we go down spitting in Jericho's fucking face - I can be happy with that.

I will win this, somehow or another. I'm not going to leave that family of mine alone - I refuse to do that.

[ She grits her teeth a moment and exhales before she nods to herself. ]

... Regardless. The point is that your life is no longer our failsafe. I - I will not have you die on me either.

...okay. [It's quiet, but Susan considers it and nods.] Okay. We'll find another way. Or Jericho and Hilda can come and kill me their own damn selves.

Good. That's what I wanted to hear.

[ She nods to herself and... then props himself up to sit on the counter, so that she might better cross her legs imperiously, to watch the other work. ]

I dreamed of a world so far from here that's not on the map

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