It's like I'm carrying the weight of the world

[hesperos]

[ So, Yuri's going to be going around, putting up slips of paper for everyone to see, because even with everything that was that trial, he is sure it could help. He doesn't know--it's worked from time to time before anyway and someone should do it. ]



[ Yuri, for once, is going to be making some food for the afterparty that isn't desserts. On his side of things, his food is generally going to be geared towards something more western-style and hearty. In essence, there is some things of curry with beef, chicken, and vegetables in them, take your pick. Sayaka and Kyrie also will be assisting with food, providing stuff that is likely to be geared towards something asian.

This whole set up, of course, is going to be done in the dining hall, since that's where it usually is. ]

Comments

bar

[notaccurate]

[He told you it would become a habit. He warned you Sayaka.

That said he is absolutely there too, but he seems to be pushing his drink around more than doing any actual drinking. He's thinking too much right now. He does look up and give Sayaka a smile, though.]

Ah, hello there.

[destage]

[Look, murdergames happen so much, okay.

Sayaka can at least return the smile, though, softly. A little more genuinely.]

Hey, Luca-san. I didn't see you there. Are you doing okay?

[notaccurate]

As well as is to be expected, I suppose.

[Which isn't great, but today hasn't been a great day.]

How about yourself?

[destage]

...I don't really know.

[Her expression goes...a little more strained, there.]

This whole thing was...honestly kind of a mess. I feel like my head's at least a few miles away at this point.

[notaccurate]

Mmm, it was.

But thank you, for jumping in and helping Elda. I was worried something bad was about to happen.

[destage]

...Someone had to. I consider her a mother figure, so I wanted to make sure she was safe.

[...Sayaka pauses a bit, shifting in her seat.]

I'm...sorry, Luca-san.

[notaccurate]

Why are you apologizing for that? It's good that you worry about her and respect her.

[destage]

...Not for that. For...what I was considering. And...why I stayed with Elda.

[notaccurate]

Why does that matter? I stayed with Yuri last week for the same reason. Knowing your limits and taking steps to keep yourself from doing something is a very mature and thoughtful move to make, Sayaka.

[destage]

[...Sayaka pauses for a little bit.]

Because if I really changed, if I really wanted to be a good person and not repeat my mistakes...I would've never thought like that. It...proves I'm still bad, right...?

[She sounds genuinely confused.]

[notaccurate]

[Sayaka. Honey.]

It does not. You cannot control your thoughts or emotions, that is something that just happens. All you can control is how you act.

You chose to seek out help when you recognized those dark thoughts within you. In the end, you didn't repeat the same mistakes, and it is because you chose not to. If anything, that shows just how much you have changed for the better.

[destage]

...That's what I've been doing for years. You just...learn to shove anything undesirable under the rug and pretend that everything is okay. Anything less, and...it makes you a target or a liability.

[She doesn't like admitting this aspect of her business, but...mmph.]

It's...what I'm used to and...I don't know. [She actually looks frustrated, though she looks away from Luca while she is. Like there's just...something she doesn't get.] I...wanted to keep my promises. I wanted to live.

[notaccurate]

And you're still living and keeping those promises, are you not?

[If that's what she wants, then she's doing well so far.]

Recognizing that your thoughts are bad and taking steps to keep anything from happening isn't the same as pretending everything is okay. If you were pretending everything is okay, then you wouldn't have sought out help in the first place.

[destage]

[...you know what, no, that somehow gets her even more frustrated than anything, but she...just kind of deflates a bit, averting her gaze.]

...I don't understand you people at all.

[notaccurate]

Is "I have been there and I understand the feelings you are going through" enough of an explanation?

[Well okay, he hasn't been an idol before, but he would be lying if he said he's never had dark thoughts like killing people and such.]

[destage]

[...well...

Sayaka looks back up at Luca.]

Can you...explain it from your end, if you're comfortable with it?

[notaccurate]

What, you want to know all my dark secrets?

[He says that in jest, before sobering up a bit and speaking again.]

Remember how I told you that I left my wife's family when it became too overbearing?

[destage]

H-hey--

[...She actually averts her gaze a bit at first, but she looks back up when Luca speaks, nodding.]

...Yes, when you...left Carmen-san to go to another country.

[notaccurate]

Yes.

Do you want to know why I was allowed to leave when I chose to do so? Because her family certainly had the manpower and political sway to drag me back, if they wanted to.

[destage]

[...]

...Did you kill someone who would've tried to do that, Luca-san...?

[notaccurate]

...in a way, I suppose. She's still alive, but...

[He glances away.]

I broke her heart. She didn't want that marriage any more than I did, but she thought that we could at least be united in our dislike of the situation that had been forced upon us.

Instead, as soon as my 'duties' as a husband were done, I went out to bars and sought comfort from random men. And I never kept it a secret, everyone knew. And in circles like that, word gets around. 'We saw him at the bar again, Mrs. Valentino.' 'Can't keep that husband of yours home, can you Mrs. Valentino?' 'Are you sure he was a wise choice for a husband, Mrs. Valentino? What if your son turns out like him?'

The 'Carmen' that used to be is dead now, replaced by someone hardened against the cruelties forced upon her because of my choices.

[destage]

[...Oh.

...Ohhhhhhhhhhh. That...gets a bit of a wince, to say the least. Jesus christ, that's...kind of goddamn horrible? Even if she...kind of understands...? Sort of? ...Okay, no, not exactly, she can understand the spite end of it, but...]

...What a mess that sounds like...

[That's. A bit blunt, but christ, she doesn't know what to say.]

[notaccurate]

[It takes a moment for him to answer, because he is focusing on breathing and not letting any emotions slip. No, he's not saying this to vent, he's saying it to make a point to Sayaka. So he needs to get to that point.]

Indeed it is. And while it is not exactly the same as your situation, it is still very much 'a bad thing', and I feel like I can say the following with some confidence:

That feeling of 'am I really doing enough' never really goes away. Try as you might to do the right thing, there will always be invasive thoughts. But those thoughts alone do not define who you are. No matter how many times you have the thought 'maybe murder is the answer', what matters most is that you follow that thought up with 'no, that is wrong.' Which you have done, time and time again. And that effort, that decision on your part not to follow through with those thoughts, that is 'enough'.

[destage]

[...Mmm. That...actually gets Sayaka to pause a bit--she's really been a goddamn mess with that, hasn't she?]

...You really, truly, and honestly believe that? You're...not just saying that to try and make me feel better? That's...truly how it is?

[It feels foreign, to say something like that. She's spent literal years with this sort of mindset, and here she was always willing to acquiesce to avoid further conflict. It made people happy when she said it, and that tended to be that, but...

It's sure as fuck not a eureka moment, but she actually looks up to Luca when he says that.]

[notaccurate]

Well, 'make you feel better' is certainly part of it, but that doesn't negate the truth to my words.

Some people are wholesome and 'good' with no effort on their part. It's a natural state of being for them. Others have to work at it, day in and day out, constantly choosing to do the right thing despite temptation to do otherwise. You just happen to belong to the second group, and there's nothing wrong with that. If the end result- that 'good' happens and people aren't killed- is the same, then why would the journey make any kind of difference?

[Honestly, he's pretty sure a good portion of the people in this game are the same: they have dark thoughts and have to work at being 'good' too.]